Sometimes I feel the seasons keenly, in my body and mind. Marked, not only, by the actual change of season, the falling of leaves, the cold air rushing in, but also in the changes in my routine: the end of summer, the beginning of a new school year, and the hecticness of my excessively busy life. In fall, it’s hard sometimes to remember the good things. Sometimes I get so caught up in the chaos, the falling of leaves, the cold, the stacks of books and papers awaiting my attention, that I have no time to think, no time for myself, and no time to remain still and focus on the good. Some weeks it’s harder than most. Some months it’s harder. This past month has brought the beginning of the end for me, the trees have changed colors, and I’ve begun to trudge forward into a winter I’m not prepared for.
Let me explain: I just started my senior year of College. It feels weird, stretched, hurried, hectic, and like it’s moving by at a snails pace. At the same time, I feel like I’m running out of time, running out of opportunities, running out of chances to make my mark and meet my goals. It’s throw me through a loop. Besides that, I’m so busy that I can’t figure things out. Some days I don’t even get back to my room to eat dinner until after 9PM, and then I’m so exhausted I can’t really just relax–I just have to move on to the next thing, whether it be sleep, homework, or even work.
It all feels like too much. And maybe, yes, I am over committed. Two jobs: I’m the head RA in my building (while all my friends are living in houses off campus, and are thus never around); and I’m TAing for a documentary class. Full course-load: one class is my Senior Thesis (AHHH!). On top of all that, I’m in various clubs, and I have friends; both important to my general existence.
All together, I’ve been too busy to really “live it up.” And because of all this stress, I’ve been down on myself a lot more than normal. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve always felt ugly. Every day. I haven’t had time to write, to breathe, to do anything that really feels good. I’ve just felt stressed, nervous, like I’m forgetting everything, losing track of time, and not finishing anything I’ve started.
But strangely, maybe even ironically, when reflecting on this past month, I feel more hopeful for the future, my future, than ever. Why? Because when I go through a particularly bad time, I learn about myself. And when the all that’s good part of the world comes back into focus, I remember how lucky I am. I have all these opportunities to be better than I am. I have all these chances. I’m going to graduate from college. I have two jobs, when some people are unemployed. I have family and friends who really love me. I have a mother who I can call or email in a panic, and who will respond with her calm and measured words, saying “it will be all right” and I can actually believe her.
And best of all, I have the ability to laugh. To find the humor in the worst situations. My mother told me last week that I’m the one she’d like to be with during a disaster. I like to laugh. I choose to laugh. And I have a knack to find those little moments of pure glee. The world around me may be falling apart (and most days, it feels like it is, more and more), but I am in a secure place, with people who care, and am surrounded by beautiful, funny, glorious things.
The winter cold has rejuvenated my body, my mind, and my attitude. It makes me feel the urge to run, to breathe so much of it, my throat becomes raw. It smells of campfire, of dew, of the tangy citrus cold. And it whispers of the coming of snow, of that blanket of pure whiteness to cover the ugly burnished grass, and industrial cement. I can feel it in the air, and I can’t wait for it. It is freshness. It is hope. And it is open to this world of infinite possibilities.
This is my new lease on life. I am remotivated, and I am, back. And I felt the need to share that.