The Truth: Sometimes I Need Help

I’ve spent a long time away from this blog. Nearly a year. The thing is, I still open it daily. I look at my header, think about writing a new post. I visit when I get the occasional new comment to approve it. But I haven’t posted here in months.

And what really gets to me is that there’s no reason. I stopped for absolutely no reason. I still keep up with the FA community. I still write about body acceptance, feminism, and other issues that would be fitting to discuss here. But I stopped posting.

I think there comes a time in everyone’s life when they go through an off year. For me, this year has held some of my worst moments, and some of my best. I’ve experienced unemployment and having to live with my parents. I’ve taken temp jobs and finished temp jobs. I’ve moved in with friends. I’ve gotten into grad school. I’ve done a lot, and missed a lot of opportunities.

But, throughout all the good and bad, I think I’ve somehow lost my self-esteem, my confidence.

I find that’s my biggest issue nowadays. Having graduated from undergrad, I stopped having a method of measurement for my happiness. Grades have no relevance now. My friends have scattered. There are no more awards to win. I don’t have a job to be successful at. I’ve had nothing to help me feel accomplished.

And thus, I started to feel bad. Bad about myself, my body, my laziness. I started to believe that I’ve been deluding myself all these years into thinking I was something, someone. I’ve given up, in many ways. Completely given up.

Lately, it hasn’t been as bad. Moving in with friends boosted me up. I started laughing a lot more, crying a lot less. I started recovering myself. I started writing again, researching my obsessions, cooking. I’ve gotten a lot better. There’s something about surrounding yourself with positive people that makes you feel positive. It makes you believe that if they can see the good in you, there must actually be some. I’m getting better.

And so, here’s the truth: sometimes I need help. Sometimes I need you all to remind me why I should keep posting, why I should keep believing in this. Why I should have confidence in myself as a fat woman. I hope to come back here. It’s about time I post here again. I need to get my head back in the game, and take back my body, my mind, my spirit. This is a call for help as much as it’s a thank you for your support. This is my return, my second chance.


9 thoughts on “The Truth: Sometimes I Need Help

  1. This is a great post.

    I’m currently in grad school and before I started I felt exactly the same way. I was working a corporate job and, though I regularly applied for other positions with titles below my own, I never got one, single call-back. I knew I wanted to change fields, so I started working towards applying to grad school.

    In the year that I was waiting to apply, I fantasized about all the ways school would make my life wonderful and meaningful again. Then I got to school and, surprise(!), found out that I had bought into The Fantasy of Going Back to School. Just like in my get-thin past, I thought I had found the magic bullet, and when it turned out that sometimes school made me feel worse, I had a hard time dealing with that.

    I was, as you nicely put it, looking for a way to measure my happiness and when school sometimes made me crazy, I felt like I had nothing going. Now, I feel as though I am on the path you describe. I am trying to get my life in order and trying to look inward for validation and happiness, instead of outward.

    There’s something about surrounding yourself with positive people that makes you feel positive. It makes you believe that if they can see the good in you, there must actually be some. I’m getting better.

    There is so much truth in this statement, it isn’t funny.

    I look forward to reading more posts from you!

  2. I totally know how you feel. It’s making me crazy! The good news is you can do it! You’re a wonderful person who has inspired me to really get my shit in gear and go back to school. I hope you have fun and maybe I’ll come visit during art fair!
    much love dear!

  3. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such rough times, but glad things are going better. It’s definitely hard to feel self-confident when the things you usually pin self-confidence to are gone. And the crappy thing is that the more “down” you feel, the more of a struggle it can be to do the things that help build you back up.

    Hugs and good thoughts, because you rock.

  4. I think it’s fabulous that you came back, though! My experiences with disappointment, depression, self-image, etc., have made me realize that no one is ever on a straight trajectory, going endlessly upward. It takes a lot of courage to come back to something when you’ve left it alone for a long time, but it often feels better than never coming back. (I just started writing after a 6 year hiatus, so I know the feeling of feeling inferior for stopping.) I hope that you find that reaching out for that help that everyone needs gives you a boost of community!

  5. I’ve had an off year blogging-wise too. We went through some family stress early this spring and it just threw my blogging rhythm totally off kilter. Hang in there! ❤

  6. I have been feeling that way a lot lately (just graduated too!) But the other day I was just like “Becky (that’s me) STOP IT – hating your body is such a waste of time and is just making you self absorbed! There are better things to think about!” It’s been helping me.

    Anyway, I’m excited to see you posting again!

  7. I just found your blog and I’m glad I did. Need a reason to keep writing? For those of us on the first steps of this journey. You are further ahead on the path, with good boots and a better flashlight. Keep calling so we can catch up. We’re right behind you.

  8. Chrissy! I am so sad that I only just found your blog(s). I’ve clicked through a few of them now and they are just lovely pieces of honest, amazing writing. I wanted to comment on this one since I felt like I could relate to it so well…coming out of undergrad was such a weird process, and I feel like I still revisit the feelings you describe in this post every once in a while. I recently realized (once again) how right you are that surrounding yourself with positive people is key…I’ve found that the tough part is finding “my people” in each new place as I tumble from city to city.
    Anyway, thanks again for posting, and I’ll be back to read more! Good luck with your thesis by the way!!

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