Fat + New City = Insecurity

I spent this past weekend looking at houses and apartments in the city I’m moving to for graduate school. I’m already getting nervous about leaving the place I am right now. You get comfortable and content in a place with people who care about you, and being uprooted to somewhere new makes all your insecurities rise to the surface. This is part of my so-called “process.” I tend to get anxious before big life changes and start to get nervous that I’m not ready, or not good enough to do well in my new life.

Part of this, of course, is a drop in self-confidence and renewed obsession with my appearance. I always worry that people are going to judge me when they meet me because I’m fat. And I’m terrified that this will happen when I move.

Luckily I’ve secured good, accepting roommates for the fall (I met them this weekend), and already have a few friends in the area, but it’s still tough. It’s one of those times of insecurity that makes me question my resolve. I start to think about losing lots of weight and becoming thin and therefore “beautiful.” I start to want to change myself because I think it will matter to all these new people I’m going to meet.

This, in turn, makes me angry at myself for thinking I need to change who I am for someone else, and continues the loop of frustration. I think I’m secure in my body, but then I start to think negative thoughts and buy back into the same traps and pitfalls I’d had before.

This is one of those times, I think, when I need to be reminded of people out there who don’t care about my size but care about who I am. This is one of those times when I have to remember who I am and what I believe in. This is a time when I need your advice. How do I avoid falling back into my insecurities? What has worked for you in your life? What wisdom can you give me to persist, oh Fatosphere of Wisdom?

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Fat Girl with a Degree

Receiving my Diploma!

Receiving my Diploma!

Ay ay ay! Obviously, I’ve fallen off the blog-wagon because I just today stumbled my way back over here after a long last quarter in school and saw Jamie’s lovely post in tribute to me. That was too sweet, Jamie. Thank you so much!

So, I guess it’s not going to come as too much of a shock when I say that I’m now a fat girl with an undergrad degree! I hope this will justify many of my long absences from the blog. I can sincerely hope that I will update more, but I won’t make any promises, since I tend to get deepy engrossed in things going on in real life. I’m about to move to Chicago for the summer, and we’ll see how that goes! I have an internship with PBS! Woo!

Anyway, I’m a fat grad, and also a 22-year-old fattie. My birthday was the same day as my graduation. It was quite exciting. And, in case you’re wondering, it was just a beautiful and wonderful weekend. I had the honor of giving the Baccalaureate address the night before, and to top everything off, won two awards in creative writing at the Senior Awards Ceremony. (Pretty good for a non-English major, eh?) My family came to stay for the weekend, and that just made it so much better.

Of course, like everything in life, the build up to the end has resulted in me feeling somewhat bereft now that it’s over. But hopefully I’ll get my life in order. I have faith in myself and my abilities.

So, to end, I want to thank all of you for supporting me and reading this blog. I know we’ve gone through some times of radio silence, and I appreciate you all sticking around. Here’s to better blogging and a bright and shiny future!

Fat Girl Making Movies

For those of you who don’t know, I’m big on film-making. I’ve taken a few documentary film classes, and it has become my new passion. I’m making a film on belly dancing right now (although it won’t be that good, due to time restrictions, etc.), and it has been really interesting. The women I’ve talked to do mention the dance’s power to empower them as women.

But even more interesting, most of them have spoken about how many women use the dance as healing for their victimization. I’ve been speaking with a professional dancer, as well as a woman who started belly dancing as a hobby, and it has become so much more to her. Both of them spoke of their own experiences with victimization, one through physical abuse, one through monetary, and how the dance has been therapeutic. I had originally decided to do this topic because I wanted to see who dances, and how they feel when they do it. I thought the film would be about confidence, body image, and empowerment. Little did I know it has become something so much more.

So, quick question for y’all: does anyone out there belly dance? How does it make you feel? I’m thinking about taking classes, and want to know about everyone else’s experiences.

Unfortunately, I have to finish my belly dance film by this weekend. Which means the blog might be a little neglected. Sorry. I just have so much to do! This week is the last week of the quarter at my college, and next week we have exams. I have two papers, a documentary, and a poetry collection to finish. Yikes.

Plus, I’ve been preparing for the last few weeks to do my Senior Project. I’ve decided to do a documentary film on the Chenille Sisters, a Michigan singing group. I’m going to focus on each of the three women in the group, and do sort of a triple biography, as well as a portrait of them as a group. I went home this weekend and started filming, and I’m uber excited about it. It’s going to be really really awesome, I think!

So, that’s all the news fit to print in my life. Sorry if the blog is a little neglected, but I’ll be back in full force by June 16th once my summer begins!